..........but right now they don't mean much to me. This time there's only one thing I've got to know. Do I trust you Lord? (Twila Paris)Yes, I trust HIM, but I have really begun to question my ability to hear from him. So, while I trust him, I don't trust me. And when you get to that point, you feel bad even trying to approach the throne of grace boldly. I do not remember who it was that posted recently about speaking the word over the deceased , unborn baby in his wife's womb, and it not coming back to life. If I recall correctly, that experience had awoken that poster to the fact that some things he had been taught concerning faith and authority had been wrong. What about divine guidance and provision? I've always taken the cautious approach, resting heavily upon the admonition of James, If God wills, we will do this or that. I've never bought into the prosperity is a divine right extremism. And for most of my Christian life it did seem that God was blessing. From my Bible college days until 2010 my life seemed to be one big miracle of provision. That all came to a halt in 2010 and really tanked in 2012. I've never recovered. My family suffers. My marriage suffers. In the Fall of 2016 I began my first semester of graduate school. I will graduate, most likely with honors, in May 2019. Sadly, what little income I had withered at the end of 2016, due to some very strange circumstances. Last year I worked very little. I'm basically living off of my student loans, thus my debt is exploding, which I never intended. What few replies I've gotten from online job apps were not compatible with my school schedule. My church life is in disarray. I cannot really get involved, somewhat for shame. Inevitably, my lack of giving will raise eyebrows. I am still frequently invited to preach in various places. People always shake their heads and ask me, why aren't you pastoring? That was incredible! I can't go on with this post. You get the picture. How much longer can I go on until a real mental or physical breakdown occurs? I feel like I've let God down in a big way