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I will admit that in time past, I tended to take a very harsh, judgmental and a lack of redemptive approach to the topic. In fact, I am somewhat embarrassed at the attitude I took several years ago. Let me say first, I am still married to my wife of almost 30 years and are happily married so I am not changing my belief because of my circumstances.However, that said, I am seeing good and godly people get divorced. I have seen friends that love God...get divorced. A friend of mine who was a pastor and did marriage classes...they were awesome...they even got divorced.While I do feel that divorce is wrong, I am not really certain what can be said or done to prevent it. I would say my stance today is one of zero judgement but one of helping the couple through the ordeal whether they divorce or attempt to reconcile.I'm also not going to lie on this, I've seen good couples with marriages that seemed to be healthier than my own get divorced and it does tend to leave me a tad paranoid.

One thing I take some comfort from is that it is not divorce that is the sin--after all, there are people that are almost certainly better off apart. It is divorce and REMARRIAGE that is the sin (when the divorce was not to appropriate reasons).But like you, I have left off the judgment (except in those cases where someone has been married five times--in which cases, I must then revisit a certain well where a woman came to draw water). It is just a truth that there are people that for whatever reason are incompatible. Yes, they could do what the old-timers did, which was to stay with rotten, no-good, abusive people in either the name of religion or perhaps because it would be nearly impossible to survive without their income, etc. But in today's world, we have become more and more accustomed to saying no to such situations, especially when divorce can often be easily had, as well as suitable jobs for future income.This is MY OPINION, but it is a rotten shame that if you KILL your spouse, you can sometimes get forgiveness easier from the church than divorcing your spouse and remarrying. So, I always counsel people to kill their spouse since it is FOR SURE that you can be forgiven of that...but the divorce and remarriage stuff, it might be that the church will insist you now put away your NEXT spouse and either return to the first spouse...or stay unmarried. (Unfortunately, if you have been remarried, it is an ABOMINATION, per the Bible, to remarry your first spouse.)So, it's pretty much hell if you stay in the marriage...and pretty much hell if you don't.Now, that's somewhat tongue-in-cheek, but I would NEVER counsel a woman to stay with a physically abusive man, someone who was addicted to drugs/alcohol, someone who was a danger to the kids, etc. Now, I might not counsel her to DIVORCE him, but I would not try to cause her to stay.Some years back, there was a killer called the BTK killer (?)--it stood for bind, torture, and kill. This man, from all outward appearances, was a good man, a deacon, a husband and father. And a serial killer. What person in their right mind would have a problem with this wife divorcing this man? What person in their right mind would deny this woman any future chance of romantic love? HERE'S THE SECRET....All the moral laws of God are for operation under MOST circumstances. Remember how David ate the shewbread? Remember how the Hebrew midwives LIED to save the infants from Pharaoh? Do we think God was upset with Christians who lied to shelter Jews from the Nazis? Or disobeyed the law to protect the innocent? OF COURSE NOT.The laws of divorce, I believe, are based on what would be the normal range of possibilities. It is will within the normal range for their to be sexual sin. But what if a man is beating his wife? Or is a meth addict who will not support his family? On an on....So, when people divorce for these extreme cases, I am not about to get upset.And when they divorce for less than great reasons, I simply love them and seek to remember that God's grace covers our terrible shortcomings. Also, you don't know the dynamics behind the scenes. As you indicated, people can look for all the world like everything is wonderful...yet they are dying inside.I am a somewhat melancholy person (at least at this age), but when my wife and I are out with friends, the real me seems to come to the front. I laugh, joke, etc. I AM that person. But at home, bless my wife's heart, I can be somewhat solitary and melancholy (thank God for a wife who cheers my heart). But if someone didn't know that, they would think that, along with being one of the most handsome men they had ever seen, I was also the most interesting man in the world (that...that's not entirely true).

Casey I have the same mixed emotions with this. Every once in awhile I look at my wife of 62+ years and think about so many of our peers that could not make it. I was just a little over 17 when I married this girl. Lots of tough times but it was her as a dedicated Christian that kept this couple together.Aaron, I enjoyed the read, lot of good stuff there and so much I can agree with. I read parts to my girl. She also liked it.I made us a little temp table for out computers while we waited for out 'Wheel Estate' was in the RV hospital. So we sit beside each other and I get a few more kisses.Merry Christmas, you kids hang in there, it is still fun at 80 to sleep with a beautiful woman!.... just sayin' Some facts but mostly just my [email protected]/

Those that God joins together verses those who were not is one of the key elements to a Biblical marriage. I knew of a Pentecostal minister (perhaps COG) who opened a wedding chapel in Vegas. Perhaps some were Biblical marriages, but marriage in that chapel was a business, not a God ordained relationship.I see many pastors who at one time would not preform a Christian Marriage (scriptures, blessings, and evoking God's Name) for people living together or who could not show a scriptural reason for the end of the marriage - who now run their church like a wedding chapel.Once upon a time churches/pastors required pre-marital counseling based on scriptures, but that has gone the way of blood test for marriage licenses, asking if anyone knows of any reason these two should not be married or parental approval (the families agreeing this is a good marriage). The trapping and traditions of Christian marriage are engaged, the words spoken in the scriptures and vows are the same, but the relationship of God being the one who makes two one has been discounted.We really should drop those old vows and pretense of a Christian ceremony and just encourage people to go to a judge. If they are joined together by God it will become evident to the Christian community (church) they worship in.

I can tell you from first hand experience that there is no pain like that when your spouse tells you she doesn't want you any longer.Except maybe the pain that is dished out from your brothers in Christ who abandon you by the side of the road. And your state overseer who tells you you're through,even though you are 100% an innocent party. That really hurts. And try as you might,the wounds never heal because you are marked for life. You will forever be considered a failure,not good enough. Try living with that weight around your neck.Yes, I could write a book about this an have often considered it. As the former head of the Care division told me,we tend to devour our own in times of great personal struggle “Hell will be filled with people that didn’t cuss, didn’t drink, and may even have been baptized. Why? Because none of those things makes someone a Christian.”

Re: Casey...

I know what you mean about people who lived godly lives that you know and you find out later that they were divorced. There was an evangelist who prophesied over my wife and I before we were married. I called him recently since I moved near where he lives. He told me that he had divorced his wife after she had cheated on him many times and he had remarried. I was confused when he told me his wife was from one country, when the wife of his I'd met was from another country.

Some thoughts on divorce and remarriage, why it is so prevalent and some ideas on how to remedy the situation.-- Maybe it is common because 'a little leaven leaveneth the whole lump'. There may be couples (or individuals) outright sinning by getting divorced, and then getting remarried, while the church does not exercise church discipline in cases where it may be necessary. The result may be that sin spreads, as Paul warned about the fornicator's sin in I Corinthians 5.-- We live in a mind-your-own-business culture, and our church relationships can be superficial. Many people going through divorce may not get any input from their church family in the form of advice, comfort, counseling, or dedicated time in prayer. It may help to change our culture and the way we do church. -- Some churches may benefit from more in-depth teaching on marriage and couples being teamed up with other couples who counsel and advise them.-- Not touching some Biblical topics with a ten-foot pole. There are preachers who want to be liked who just won't go into detail on the verses about wives submitting to their husbands, who skip over it and jump right to the husband's obligation. Or they present the false and irrational teaching that if a husband properly loves his wife that a wife will perfectly submit to her husband. Both men and women need to do their part.-- Seek to restore divorced couples. There are husbands and wives who have divorced and their marriages could be restored. There are couples where one was a Christian, the ex gets saved, and no one from the church says, What about going back to him/her. Sometimes church people suggest getting married to another partner. -- Accepting divorce and remarriage for an every growing number of reasons that aren't in the Bible, verbal abuse (which can be defined rather broadly), violating boundaries. I have heard of preachers endorsing divorce when a man had a porn addiction problem, which is a huge issue nowadays. We are one flesh with our spouses, but if adultery in the heart were grounds for divorce, would a wondering eye on one occasion be justification for divorce? Isn't that a low bar?-- Porn use probably contributes to divorce in a lot of cases. I have heard of men who don't even want to sleep with their wives because they watch porn and satisfy their own cravings alone. Along those lines, there is a lot of emphasis in our culture on consent when it comes to sent, but not a lot of voices talking about the obligation to render 'due benevolence' -- Lack of social sanction for getting divorce, combined with a lot of societal approval. Outside of church, a woman, for example, who contemplates divorce may find divorced lady friends who tell her how bad men are or just encourage her to follow her heart and do so. Churches are often silent about it. A man or woman who divorces a partner is unlikely to experience any thing like old-fashioned Amish shunning today, or even a hint of disapproval. If the overall culture of society or of the subculture (in this case church) is anti-divorce, then that may help the couples to set an expectation to stay together.-- Lack of emphasis on taking up the cross. If a couple goes to a church that is all about what benefits them, prosperity, being healthy, living a better life, being a better you, etc., then why shouldn't marriage be all about being happy? Couples need to be willing to self-sacrificial in their marriages.-- Premarital sex. There was a 1990 study (Teachman, 1990) that showed that women who had had sex with someone other than their husband before marriage were much more likely to experience 'marital disruption'. Other data indicates that the more promiscuous a woman was, the higher the rates of divorce. (The Teachman study did not show the same results for men.) Lots of teens, young adults, and older adults fornicate and do not think much of it these days. We really need to address this problem.-- There is a need for teaching singles how to find a decent spouse who is low risk for being a drug addict, an adulterer, an abusive, or a high flight risk. -- The attack on masculinity in our culture. Men are portrayed as bafoons in commercials. Feminists complain when women are portrayed that way, so advertizers just make the men look foolish. It is considered sexists to talk about women being bad, stupid, etc. But the same type of comments about men do not face the same sort of social sanction. Fatherhood is not valued in the culture. Wives need to know to respect/reverence their husbands and submit to them. Men also need to be encouraged to rise up as leaders in the home, to take responsibility, to provide, to teach and educate the children in the home in the word of God. -- About 65% or so of no-fault divorces are filed by women, and in many cases it is the wife who makes the decision. Preachers need to realize this

Link,It was the legalistic who came to Jesus to justify their list of why a man could divorce his wife. Having a list of extra-Biblical reasons for divorce was not acceptable to Jesus.Often, a divorced person will enumerate their hurts as justification, and do not want to hear what the Bible says concerning divorce. They deem it un-loving and the introduction of scripture to their situation as legalistic. Yet having a list of grievance against your spouse, and taking to spouse before a civil judge for a divorce is the very substance of legalism.As you said above, the church, we pastors, may be guilty of failing to teach God's will for marriage in a rush to justify divorce as covered by God's grace. Again, I ask why the church offers a Christian ceremony and church setting to couples who have no clue or intention to live a Christian marriage?

QW--me, too!